SeagalDay [70]

SeagalDay [70]

 

On Sunday, 10th April, we and some fellow Seagalologists gathered to celebrate the 70th anniversary of the birth of Earth’s greatest asset: the versatile talent and intricate human being that is Zen Master and Buddhist Lamma, Steven Frederic Seagal. We hosted a small festival to celebrate his many achievements to date with music, culturally-appropriated food and drink, and a curated selection of five films (and two additional films the day before to warm us up), classic and modern, from his almost 40-year career as a D-list celebrity. We also set up a ‘Seagal Shrine’ that people could pray or leave offerings at. We invited anyone who felt a deep or spiritual connection to this appetitive being to join us in celebration and communion, but, unfortunately, only one other person could make it.

 

Schedule for the day:

10:45-12:35 — FILM: Tribal Warfare [China Salesman] (2017, dir. Tan Bing | Running time: 110 minutes)

12:45 – 14:20 — FILM: Out for Justice (1991, dir. John Flynn | Running time: 91 minutes)

14:20 – 15:20 — ASIAN-THEMED LUNCH

15:20 – 17:00 — FILM: The Foreigner (2003, dir. Michael Oblowitz | Running time: 96 minutes)

17:00 – 17:20 — INTERVAL

17:20 – 19:00 — FILM: Hard to Kill (1990, dir. Bruce Malmuth | Running time: 96 minutes)

19:00 – 20:20 — AMERICAN-THEMED DINNER

20:20 – 22:00 — FILM: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995, dir. Geoff Murphy | Running time: 100 minutes)

22:00 — WRAP

 

 

– REVIEWS –

[NB: The two films not on the schedule, Mercenary for Justice (2006, dir. Don E. FauntLeRoy) and Fire Down Below (1997, dir. Félix Enríquez Alcalá), were reviewed the day before.]

 

Mercenary for Justice (2006, dir. Don E. FauntLeRoy):

Here we go, 19:00 hours, and we are off: the first of seven films we are forcing ourselves to watch over 27 hours (including pre-Seagal Day and Seagal Day) for SeagalDay [70] – the 2022 celebration of Steven Seagal. 4.0 on IMDb and four and a half stars on Prime. Titles begin with a fancy ‘Signature’ opening, simple ‘Millennium Films’ and then a pan around an atrocious 3D model Buddha with lots of motion Blur and stock pan flute: ‘Luminosity Films’. I do not know what is so funny about the latter: you have to see it – and then once more. Simple white sans-serif font on a black screen. Freeze-frame and fade to black. Very prolonged close-up official-looking men shots, cutting after each line with no real acting: “I need the best,” “I will give the best,” “Crooger and [Kirk/Kirt]”. Luke Goss? Bad 80s artist. What is he doing in it? He plays John Dresham, CIA dirty deeds man, not to be confused with John-John, Johnny Boy: John Seeger (Steven Seagal).

No CCTV outside the French ambassador’s house? Sneak right in! No money for a tripod? Keep the camera moving. Good guard dog: no reaction to a paramilitary kidnapping it’s master. “With your permission, I’d like to cross the line with the mercenaries and, yes, I understand what that means” from one of the several partially-dressed interviewers. Very bitchy, Maxine Barnol.

Finally, we see Seagal again: I was afraid that this would be another 5-minutes-of-fame-for-Seagal job whilst everyone else does the real work. First defenestration at 13 minutes into the film. First line from a very cool-looking Seagal, shooting around corners and pulling his concentrating/constipated face.

No more real ‘acting’ from the official-looking men. Lots of gunfire: not much acting. Semi-protagonist token black guy, Radio Jones (Zaa Nkweta), has already died. Everyone is dying: the ambassador’s whole family just died – there’s their leverage gone!

Seagal is being the hero, as per usual, and his team covers him by dying as Seagal saves one troop.

Tensions are high between 00s bleached-blond Crooger vs Johnny Boy (Seagal). Fat Seagal just barely managed to get onto the ascending helicopter, leaving the press woman behind: “she’ll [Maxine] come through [in a warzone], she always does.”

Weird scene transition. Blues music fades in to lighten the atmosphere. Eddy, son of recently deceased Jones, opens the door to Seagal: who comforts Jones’ wife, Shondra (Faye Peters), and promises to give him a ‘full military’ burial. Stunt double does a small hop. Two shots are all that John requires: a clean kill. Wide-eyed creepy businessperson, Anthony Chapel (Roger Guenveur Smith), is back and whispers with a vengeance. Theatrical arms dealer for the middle-east, Ahmet Dasan (Peter Butler), will put a bullet on your head if you get too greedy (not so wide-eyed now) or forget to rescue my son, Kamal Dasan. Luke (Goss), arms-dealer guy and Chapel are all in on the warfare corruption.

Seagal’s diplomatic suit is a thing of beauty, paired with the slap bass. Seagal is drunkenly-mumbling through the plan. “It’s all internet now… money is now all-digital… no physical copies and auto-encrypt on a 256-bit key [you would hope it has AES!]” I get trying to frame Seeger (Seagal) but isn’t it a bit of a stretch, even for Maxine?

Seagal doesn’t get a break as pianist Chapel has kidnapped Shondra and Eddy. “That’s it for you [Seagal], poop-hole,” what a strange line. Funny time with friend, Bulldog (Adrian Galle) = double bass music.

Flunkies, Crooger and Kirk/Kirt, go to rescue Kamal from prison but – yes! – the computer guy, Samuel Kay (Michael K. Williams), stitches them up!

John and John get into a conversation as Seagal John realises that Dresham John double-crossed him (Seagal John): confusing isn’t it? Seeger(al) leads Dresham in circles so that he and Maxine can access Ahmet’s vault to force the Greek government to arrest Ahmet. Seagal is the leader of the ‘mercenaries [for Justice]’. Not much has changed with respect to Chapel: he is still binch to Seeger, as he has Shondra and Eddy, and lies to Seagal: but Chapel is now under heat from Ahmet because his son wasn’t at the prison where Kay double-crossed Crooger and Kirk/Kirt.

Funny double-bass fades back in as funny-man Bulldog appears, dressed as a police officer, to escort them out undetected. They pick up Kay, and the team is back together: ready to fight Chapel.

The lighthouse is quite a random location but interesting. Bulldog got shot, but he’s not down! Damn, we love Bulldog. A comical, sped-up, shot of one of the goons on the top of the lighthouse has a funny whizzing sound. One-liner: “bad parking”.

Coming at Seagal with a knife: that is only going to end up badly: lots of trauma for Little Eddy. We’re loving the widow’s peak, ‘V’, hairline.

It’s worth it for the end montage of the ‘full military honours’: cross-dissolves of the 30-seconds of screen time Radio Jones got. We love you, Radio.

Rating: 5.5/10

 

 

Fire Down Below (1997, dir. Félix Enríquez Alcalá):

Seagal/Nasso. Environmental fit and fighty Seagal: it is the second environmental film. The film opens on a flashback and Seagal flying a plane over Kentucky (fit and flighty Seagal). What more could you want? “I appreciate the friendship: it means a lot.” Blues driving during titles: I wish more Seagals were like this – actually good.

Seagal is a simple, environmentally-conscious, selfless, handyman, Jack Taggert, who fixes roofs and cares for sick children. I love how Seagal is singled out by his all-black attire to highlight just how unwelcome he is in this small town.

Seagal: “That’s kinda like a Zen riddle, huh?”

Harry (Harry Dean Stanton): “What?”

Seagal: “I’ll see you around.” 

A commendable effort by Seagal to introduce some eastern philosophies into the god-fearing Appalachia hills.

He is so mysterious: he sleeps with maps and has Seagal Sense (trademark pending), which allows him to grasp rattlesnakes affirmably and move them. Snakes show up again – lyrics: “snake in the grass”. I am loving the leather jackets: both the black and Native American ones. Classic open-air brawl! Look at Seagal measuring out the porch steps; so suave. Jack and his new friend Harry – we love Harry – talk honestly and their friendship deepens. Jack drops Harry home where, after Jack leaves, he is jumped by one of the minor antagonist’s, Orin Hanner Jr.’s (Brad Hunt’s), cronies.

Seagal has a dinner date with Sarah Kellogg (Marg Helgenberger), but it is interrupted by her abusive brother, Earl Kellogg (Stephen Lang), being a jackass.

Forty-seven minutes in, we have our first semi-strip club/casino. I quite like Seagal as a racing driver; letting that truck go over the cliff looked very environmentally friendly. Seagal barges into the church to ask if he could “just say a few words, father?” and then doesn’t hesitate to give a rousing and grandiose speech in which he calls everyone ‘hillbillies’ who take handouts.

As Jack confronts Orin Jr., he instinctively goes into Seagal ‘Ready’ Hands. Seagal slow dances with Sarah, but he looks so uninterested in her that the whole scene is very uncomfortable.

Earl burns Sarah’s beehives and locks her in a cupboard as he plots to ambush Seagal in the mine. The acid in the mine has to be green because what other colour would acid be? Seagal escapes unharmed.

Great ending scenes; Seagal groin-kicks three bodyguards at the same time whilst serving major antagonist, Orin Hanner Sr. (Kris Kristofferson), a warrant, and then buys Sarah new beehives: very smooth.

Rating: 9/10

 

 

Tribal Warfare [China Salesman] (2017, dir. Tan Bing):

Mercenary for Justice had four and a half stars: this has three and a half. What have we got ourselves into? So many bad CGI openings: eight opening production company credits: sponsored by the Chinese government. There must be at least fifty producers as there are, on average, nine per screen. £5.99, and it’s in Chinese [some of it is in Chinese]: thank God there are English subtitles. Breath – calm thoughts – it has got Mike Tyson.

Finally, after two and a half minutes of intro credits, we get ‘Tribal Warfare [or China Salesman in some regions]’ in a bad silver font; subtitles: ‘BASED ON A TRUE STORY.’ The subtitles are very fast at explaining the plot: we had to rewind them three times to read them. Bad CGI motorcycle Seagal-head shows up.

Very fat Seagal. Seagal leans over a barrel and drinks some unidentifiable liquid from it, “that’s good: show me the guns,” and then gives one of the men a palm-five. They’re setting up the barrels to be smashed up. Mike Tyson shows up at the bar: very bad overdubbing on Mike Tyson’s first scene and then no overdubbing, but very flat delivery, in the next scene (what is this, Attack Force?)

Things are heating up in the bar as Seagal sips anxiously at his wine before standing up to sort Mike out. This fight scene is what we signed up for in the trailer: lots of slo-mo and sped-up kicks and punches, barrels flying everywhere and an incredibly thin Seagal stunt double. (Thin double) Seagal got his ass kicked: what is going on!?

None of the telecom businesspeople can act, so they just recite facts: tech is replaced every 18 months, 3G combines GSM and EDGE, etc. China Salesman, Yan Jian (Li Dongxue), is despondent but turns the situation around: impressing Zheng Ming (Zijian Wang).

Cut straight from that to some belly dancing, where Seagal attempts to comfort Ruan Ling (Li Ai) for some reason?

Mike is sneaking on Yan, taking photos and listening in on his conversations with Zheng.

Creepy bum slapping from Seagal in his office. Now, Susanna (Janicke Askevold) is romancing Yan for some reason and then Susanna wanders off and then the duo have to rescue a child from being cut by her tribe with a knife: what is going on? The Uhdan tribe leader realised it was a miscommunication, and then everything is suddenly ok between them.

Mike Tyson is an agent taking pictures to send to the French telecom company, who shows these to Susanna, who is freaked out.

Mike Tyson doesn’t want 3G as he’s blowing up all the machines. I would try and explain what is happening now, but it is just so bad. Essentially, Michael is a French spy. They’re running out of time and they’re trying the ramp up the tension, but with such poor acting, it’s very difficult to understand the director’s intention.

Susanna is flipping between being a nice and a prejudiced binch: it must be the telecom towers as she gets nicer when she’s nearer them.

Seagal has quietly left some time ago, as this is a modern Steven Seagal film: so he only needs to be in it for 10 minutes.

The Chinese government says don’t discriminate against Chinese people; y’all, look, Yan’s pretty cool, right? The Chinese have good tech, but they’ve been treated unfairly: so can we cut them some slack? Everyone wave at Yan. He’s Chinese: did you know that? China’s good. Everything is fine in China.

The main coms are down, but the radio still works: “continue, continue… copy, copy”. Mike Tyson, stop shooting at the Chinese government! You and Seagal, wherever he is, are being used by Michael! This is dreadful. Mike, stop shooting everyone.

You can get an idea of who this is targeted at when they have to tell the audience that 80 – 60 = 20. How were these overdubs recorded: on a phone microphone?

You know what would make the signal extend? God? No. God is unreliable: how about a Chinese flag? Not much has changed, Mike is still being annoying – and he’s dead now. Good.

And the winner is… China DH Telecom! I can say with complete confidence that this is the best telecommunications advert the Chinese government have ever made.

The plot has ended, but we still have half an hour left? One hour and 17 minutes in: Seagal is back and finally defying Michael. Bad CGI motorcycle Seagal-head is back, baby! He’s like Nightrider! The Dark Knight but fat.

Seagal is sitting down with a white man who’s attempting to pay him off: well done for not taking it, Seagal. Sheik Asaid (Eriq Ebouaney) just died and then his bag was stolen? What is the significance of the bag?

They’re not even bothering overdubbing Yan now: he’s having a conversation on the phone (Chinese telecom phone), but his lips aren’t moving.

Michael has found Mike, but Mike has finally figured out that he’s in the wrong. Quite a late revelation, but at least he’s figured it out. Oh, no, he’s been bribed again. Fortunately, Yan tells Mike that Michael killed Asaid, so we can assume that Mike now has a bone to pick with Michael. Michael and Mike have a very toxic relationship.

Look at DH, being transparent by putting their source code out and writing a rousing letter about privacy and security: just like a certain other Chinese institution we know.

Seagal: “Hey, why don’t you guys just speak English?” Well done, Seagal.

Obviously, the DH telecom source code infographics would include actual flying keys. And the winner is… China DH Telecom! Again.

Finally, Mike double-crosses Michael with explosions aplenty. Michael died in a guts-and-gore explosion, Mike shot himself and now everyone is so upset about it? Mike has quite literally tried to blow everyone up throughout the entire film and only regrets it now that he is in the spotlight.

Pan up to the sky. We see some ending notes about the fact that it is based on a true story, which go past way too fast, and we are left utterly confused at this Seagal/Chinese government telecom advisory board 111-minute long advert-excuse-for-a-film.

This is barely watchable: unwatchable for most people.

Rating: IMDb gives it a 2.9/10. We give it a 1.5/10 with a strong disclaimer of DO NOT WATCH.

 

 

Out for Justice (1991, dir. John Flynn):

Out for Justice now: hopefully, this should cleanse our Seagal palate. Random white quote on the screen and then straight into the streets of Brooklyn. Don’t let it go, Gino [from Nico] (Seagal)! Let your moral compass guide you. That pimp is dirty. Good use of the pimp’s tie! Great freeze-frame as he gets chucked through the window: Seagal is out for justice!

Trigger-happy, drug-addicted, mafioso, Richie kills Seagal’s partner, Bobby, in front of Bobby’s wife, Laurie Lupo (Shareen Mitchell), and two children. Seagal has taken the weekend off to be with his son, Tony, but he’s too committed to the job: his ex-wife, Vicky Felino (Jo Champa), has to cover for him.

Seagal is a true vigilante. Pattie: “Aren’t you too close?” Other police officer: “Kill that son-of-a-bitch!” Seagal is in deep with the Italians and speaks Italian as well.

A freeloader throws a dog in a black bin bag out of the car. Seagal saves the dog (dog acquired), showing that Seagal is an animal lover and has a soft spot. Then ‘No Sleep Till Brooklyn’ starts playing: perfection. Seagal’s laugh after a sex worker shouts, “you wanna fuck?”, is priceless.

Every shop owner: “Please don’t blow up my shop.” Thin Seagal’s power stances are far superior to Fat Seagal’s ‘Ready’ Hands.

Seagal: “This dog food?”

Shop assistant: “(points at dog food) This is dog food, (points at more dog food) this is dog food. You want some of this?”

Seagal: “None from Jersey? I don’t want any of that radioactive stuff.”

He has grown up on the streets. He knows the streets. He is the streets.

Seagal goes over to Richie’s parent’s house, and they beg him to not kill Richie. Seagal is friends with everyone, even Richie’s parents, so he tells them that the only way to stop him from killing Richie is for Richie to turn himself in.

In the bar, Seagal’s moves are very slick: pushing someone into a phone box twice, kicking the stool out from beneath someone at the bar, snooker ball in a table cloth weapon and real double-handed pool stick fighting.

Seagal and his team are shaking down the town to find Richie: first the bar, then fortuitous booty dancing in a strip club and then Richie’s sister’s, Pattie Madano’s (Julianna Margulies), club.

Mob boss, Don Vittorio (Ronald Maccone), is doing a furious breaststroke to keep his hair dry. Poor dog, being left in Gino’s car in the middle of the road.

We love Gino’s heartwarming backstory. Tony needs Gino, but Seagal’s too committed to the job and winning Vicky’s affection. Richie’s goons infiltrate the house: the first several are shot, one slips up by saying “you’re dead” to Seagal instead of just shooting him, and the last one is decommissioned via classic defenestration!

Gino talks to Terry Malloy (Shannon Whirry), who slipped him a note earlier, and she informs him that Richie’s girlfriend, Roxanne Ford (Julie Strain), is the woman in the pornographic photograph in Bobby’s draw: rationalising why Richie recently killed Roxanne 24 hours ago and then Bobby afterwards.

Seagal talks to Laurie (Bobby’s wife) and finds out that she knew about Bobby sleeping with Roxanne (and Terry) but chose to cover it up. A local informant tips Seagal off that Richie is spending his last night in Brooklyn with an ex-prostitute who sleeps with Richie to protect her daughter. Some good comedy moments: Seagal shoots off a crony’s leg, who very audibly complains about the latter for almost a minute in the background. Richie finally dies at Seagal’s hand by an impaled wine opener.

The film ends with Seagal beating up the guy who threw the black sack with the puppy and the puppy micturating in his mouth. Montage credits of Seagal running and beating people up; a true classic!

Rating: 9.5/10

 

 

The Foreigner (2003, dir. Michael Oblowitz):

Seagal’s first DTV film. Warsaw, Poland. The film sets off with a very tense atmosphere, with music to match. Produced by Seagal as well as what any sane person would call a ‘normal’ number of producers this time around.

In France, we see a shot of whom I can only assume to be a polish sex worker pulling up her fishnets, and then Jonathan ‘Jon’ Cold (Seagal) watching from a chair, smoking. Cut back to her legs, the same shot, as Seagal picks up the phone. Seagal gets another call from his brother, Sean Cold (Jeffrey Pierce).

No plot so far, only complimenting Seagal. Seagal is tasked by Alexander Marquet (Philip Dunbar) with taking a mysterious package from two Russians in France to a wealthy man in Germany. He rides with Dunoir (Max Ryan), but, when they get the package, they are ambushed by Danish assassins who set fire to the farmhouse.

German catwalk strip club: this is a new direction for Seagal. Fancy camera zoom into a handwritten note: ‘Dunoir knows the assailant.’

Seagal attends his father’s, Jackson Cole’s (?), memorial service in Warsaw and converses with his brother, Sean Cold (Jeffrey Pierce), promising that he will call him once his plane to Germany has touched down. Jon attempts to call his brother from the German hotel, Hotel Polski, but he realises that the line is compromised.

Dunoir kills one of Alexander’s maids for some reason. Dunoir slips up and must kill Alexander.

Seagal reads about a notable industrialist whose profile matches the photos he stole, Jerome Van Aken (Harry Van Gorkum), who is the intended recipient of the parcel. Dunoir kills an old man, so he is definitely bad.

Meredith Van Aken (Anna-Louise Plowman) collects the parcel for Jerome from a proxy, whom she pays, but the package is counterfeit and so an assassin shows up at Seagal’s hotel room and speaks with much verbose. “And when the brain dies, then what’s the point.” Seagal gives up the location of the ‘real’ package.

A very strange scene ensues where the assassin (‘Richard’) tells Seagal to micturate ‘easy’ before loosing concentration opening the parcel which turns out to be a bomb which explodes, allowing Seagal to defenestrate himself.

Dunoir shoots the receptionist and enters Jon’s room, but another assassin, Mr[.] Mimms (Sherman Augustus), is already there, who defenestrates Dunoir by gunfire. Jon switches cars, and Mimms shoots the person in Jon’s car: who dies in a very dramatic way but not quite enough to be able to fall through the well-placed window. Side note, Mimmsy is going to be in Stranger Things Season 4.

Jon opens the real package at an abandoned building and finds news clippings about a plane crash: it’s a black box flight recorder. The plane crash was no accident.

Dunoir didn’t die, but is badly injured. Sean enters a car with Jerome Van Aken and they speak about Dunoir. Sean is a good boy as he calls Jon for Jerome.

Mimms and Jon meet up. Does Mimms look like Ray Charles or is Seagal racist? Mimms is still trying to kill Seagal.

Finally, some Seagal action, and with some Mario Xavier music. Seagal can’t keep doing this: making mind-numbingly boring films and then trying to redeem it at the end with some slappy hands.

Seagal just threw a disk at Mimms and it explodes: launching him out of a glassless window. Dunoir has shown up, but Seagal has alerted the CIA to their location with a tracking beacon watch.

Meredith shows up, and suddenly she and Seagal are in cahoots: planning their escape from plane-downing and bio-chemical weapon something Jerome.

The last half an hour does not contribute anything to the plot: for example, what does still-not-dead Dunoir blowing up the abandoned building add to the plot? Overdubbed Seagal? Hopefully, it is just this one line.

Seagal finally comes clean to his brother about his vocation and shoots dirty CIA spy Jared Olyphant (Gary Raymond).

Seagal is annoyed about Dunoir killing Marquee but reluctantly agrees to cooperate to kill Jerome; “It’s a long shot, but you’re the expert [Seagal].” Twenty minutes left? Ridiculous.

Dunoir tries to surreptitiously shoot Seagal, but Seagal has stolen all of the bullets and so finally has justification to kill him. Jerome holds that Meredith is delusional and infects everyone around her. He requests that Jon returns his daughter and deals with Meredith as he sees fit. Who is Stephan Stockwell: just the plane guy? Dunoir isn’t dead, again, and, as his services are no longer required, kills Jerome.

Assassins bind Meredith and daughter, Seagal frees Meredith and daughter, Seagal kills the assassins: standard.

They’re in an apartment in Paris and Meredith accuses Seagal of not being a ‘wine kind of guy’. This is torturously dull. Meredith and her daughter are getting cabin fever, so they go out for a walk. A stranger comes over to her daughter, and she panics, so Seagal has to sort it out. Instead of returning to the apartment, Seagal loses them and punches a café window in a fit of rage. A fully (bad) slo-mo fight ensues between Seagal and Dunoir: hopefully, Dunoir is dead for good this time.

Seagal sits on the hull of a fishing boat, reading a letter from Meredith: she forced Jerome to relinquish control over their daughter using the black box and that’s a major plot inconsistency right there because Jerome is already dead.

As Seagal’s attempt at a slow-paced, serious, gritty, film this clearly falls far short of the mark. It’s extremely boring, and I believe my review reflects that. I can’t believe that we paid real money for it. What has the 16.7 million dollar budget gone towards?

Rating: 1.5/10

 

 

Hard to Kill (1990, dir. Bruce Malmuth):

Thankfully, next on our Seagal Shortlist for SeagalDay [70] is the undeniable and unadulterated classic, Hard to Kill. Take that to the bank!

Seagal is Mason Storm, creeping and snooping around an alley with his very sensitive shotgun mic. “And you can take that to the bank!” The mic bugs out, the mobsters notice the disturbance and Seagal is off running: coming straight from a very poor modern Seagal, The Foreigner, fit and fighty Seagal running is a welcome relief.

Storm is in the right place at the right time and intervenes when the robbers kill the shopkeeper with whom he was conversing. Storm gracefully deflects all of their attacks and taunts the last remaining lowlife before breaking his leg whilst at a disadvantage, kneeling.

Mason returns home to his wife, Felicia Storm (Bonnie Burroughs), and child, Sonny Storm (Zachary Rosencrantz), but a hit squad of corrupt police officers shoot him and his wife. The child evades capture. Two of the corrupt officers turn out to be Detective Jack Axel (Charles Boswe) and Detective Max Quentero (Branscombe Richmond). Storm is officially declared dead, but doctors quickly realise that he is in a coma: friend, Lieutenant Kevin O’Malley (Frederick Coffin), advises the doctors to keep this a secret.

Mobster from the opening scene, Vernon Trent (William Sadler), becomes senator, “you can take that to the bank.”

Sexist nurse, Andrea “Andy” Stewart (Kelly LeBrock): judging Manson by the proportions of his intromittent organ. Truly great acting as Seagal wakes up from his coma.

The receptionist doesn’t even look at the doctor’s ID, as he has a stethoscope, and blindly gives the dirty cop ‘doctor’ Storm’s room number, but Mason is already gone.

What a miraculous recovery, Mason: one physical therapy after a seven-year coma, and you have complete control of your arms again. And what a coincidence that Andy’s home just so happens to be a Japanese chateau safe house. Everyone is searching for Storm now.

Seagal just starts writing a list of herbs he needs in Chinese marker-pen calligraphy, as you do. He learnt Chinese when he “was a young white boy over there.”

Recovery montage: he’s reading a Japanese book, putting up angry news clippings, sporting a sweaty angry face, weight lifting, acupuncture, setting fire to things on the end of the latter needles so that he is engulfed in smoke, memories of his son.

Second recovery montage: heavier weight lifting, faster punches and a longer nerdy running to the top of a mountain. Graceful stick waving and then crazy arm chopping.

Sexy music, “I thought you might want a flower,” Kelly’s ass-grabbing, fire burning: this is giving me Seagal and Kelly’s erotic wine adventure flashbacks.

Seagal is feeling guilty about this, so he’s just straight up and left, and now Andy is in danger and Martha, Andy’s co-worker, is already dead. Kevin O’Malley has shown up, and now Seagal and him are reconnecting: the woman Andy gave her number to was Malley’s mother, so he was able to trace Seagal. Good thing that Storm’s son (Sonny) is ok: I guess Storm assumed that he was dead. Malley’s mum isn’t alive anymore.

Malley “studied the tape a thousand times… looking for any quirks” but didn’t notice that the senator repeats the same line, “and you can take that to the bank,” after every promise he makes. “I’m going to take you to the bank, Senator Trent: to the blood bank.”

Some proper arm breaks and brilliant slo-mo throws. Seagal has got a Jeep now and sent a crony flying. Worst line ever from Kelly: “Oh, I forgot to lock the door.”

Malley returns home to pick up Sonny but is followed by more dirty cops. Mall brawls: lots of defenestration. Malley is pretty tough; it takes four gunshots to take him down.

Lots of flappy-arm Seagal running and wrist-breaking. When Seagal catches up with his son after seven years, all he gets is a pat on the head. Seagal: “Take care of my son, I have something [more important] I need to do.”

Sonny: “Dad!”

Seagal: “You’ll be safe with her.”

Sonny: (to Kelly) “Who are you?”

Seagal finally finds the corrupt cop who killed his wife, “that’s for my wife; fuck you and die!” Captain Dan Hulland (Andrew Bloch) is gone: now all that’s left for Seagal to deal with is Trent. Trent has a terrible painting of himself above the fireplace.

Trent is arrested, the video of his underhand dealings is released to the public, and all is good: quite a lot of trauma for the kid, but there’s really no way around that in a Seagal.

Rating: 9/10

 

 

Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (1995, dir. Geoff Murphy):

The ultimate sequel: produced by Seagal. All of Seagal’s earlier films, that are objectively better, always seem to have a Warner Bros. partnership.

Rocket taking off and triumphant brass music as ATAC’s satellite, Grazer One, launches into orbit. The CGI satellite spreads open. The satellite turns on and instantly focuses on a woman’s pixelated breasts. Enhance, enhance!

Seagal enters the scene, gets out of a car, turns around and is saluted: what an entrance! Welcome back, Casey. Everything’s better when you’re here, Casey. We love you, Casey.

All the women at the airport smile at Casey. Estranged brother’s, James Ryback’s, daughter is Seagal’s equally estranged niece, Sarah Ryback (Katherine Heigl). As they board the Grand Continental train, Seagal gives her a teddy bear: “I’m not trained for this [parenting].”

Floozy Captain Linda Gilder (Brenda Bakke) is being very free and easy, ready for the other Captain to have sex with her.

Sarah’s got some Akido skills, which she uses to disarm the porter, Bobby Zachs. Seagal is straight in, making a cake; he’s walked into the kitchen, taken command and is now bossing everyone about, because everyone loves being told how to do their job.

As the train is about to enter ‘dark territory’, it is hijacked by a group of terrorists. “Any other heroes?” Seagal throws one of the terrorists off the train, but the chief baddy, Marcus Penn (Everett McGill), has now realised that there is a problem. “This I’m trained for.” All of the chefs are dead: taking Seagal’s secret cake recipe with them to the grave.

We are introduced to crazed computer genius, Travis Dane (Eric Bogosian), who broadcasts a ‘safety message’ to the passengers, saying “please, no hero shit.” Here comes Seagal.

The system’s double-person-authentication code isn’t as secure as they expected as Travis has two hands with which to enter the code. Penn grooms the train for more ‘heroes’.

Travis demonstrates Grazer to investors by destroying a Chinese waste-processing plant. Admiral Bates, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff (Andy Romano), from Under Siege [1] is called in to talk to Casey.

Casey is scribbling on his Newton to interface with the train (bad idea), and Bobby does a good impression of Seagal. Seagal gives a gun 101 to Bobby: “tension in the left hand… 12, 3, 0, 1.”

The U.S. government fires at what they think is Grazer but is, in fact, NSA’s best intelligence satellite and their only hope of easily locating the train.

Sarah tells a stewardess about Casey to calm her anxieties which is a bad idea as she’ll probably squeal later. Meanwhile, Seagal kicks a mercenary off the roof and under the moving train.

Casey has more weapons now. On the anterior of the train, we are introduced to Fatima (Afifi Alaouie), the sole female of Penn’s mercenaries.

Casey fucking Ryback? “Seal… Counter-terrorist expert. He’s the best there is!”

Bobby: “What are you doing right now?”

Casey: “Right now? I’m making a bomb.”

Sarah is really eyeing up Penn: it’s like she wants to be caught. “Pepper spray? Sold to civilians. Once you get used to it *sprays pepper spray into his mouth*, clears the sinuses.” Ridiculous.

Casey steals the CD-ROM and hides it, temporarily thwarting Travis’ plans, but is cliffhanging. Penn finds the CD-ROM, and Seagal just manages to ascend to the top of the cliff before the line is severed.

Seagal hot wires a four-by-four and somehow catches up with the speeding train on a very windey road. The improvised Newton-fax machine has contacted the Mile High Cafe, and the owner relays the message to Admiral Bates. With Casey’s new intel, Dane reluctantly approves a mission to send two F-117 stealth bombers to destroy the train.

The radio transmitter is going bonkers bobbing up and down and gyrating all over the place: what is it trying to lock onto?

Seagal jumps back on the train. The train is now entering Dark Territory (again?) It is on a collision course with a gasoline tanker freight train.

“I broke my bra.” (Seagal kills distracted flunky) “It’s to die for.” I wonder who’s line idea that was?

As the terrorists are distracted by the F-117s, Ryback kills the mercenaries one by one and releases the hostages. Dane uses low-altitude air disturbances to precisely target the bombers using Grazer (far-fetched?) Penn is holding Sarah hostage, so Seagal rushes to free her: unaware that Fatima is sabotaging the rescue mission. Fatima promptly dies.

Seagal vs Penn in a knife fight. They trade blows, obviously with the blows heavily weighted towards Penn. Seagal: “Nobody beats me in the kitchen.” Classic!

Casey shoots Travis’ radio, the ghost satellites disappear, and the government destroys the Grazer One. Travis is injured but hangs onto the helicopter ladder after Seagal miraculously escapes from the colliding trains.

Lots of petrol explosions and full military uniform Seagal at James’ grave. Brilliant!

Rating: 9/10