Steven Frederic Seagal

Just finished Nico. Seagal’s epic debut, with all of the key elements in place, bar only the pony tail: CIA corruption, suspension from the force, family honour, window throwing and different cultures and languages. A true classic in every sense. Starting with a blend of Seagal’s and Ryeback’s [(Nico) Toscani’s] life, so ahead of its time. It must have been amazing seeing it for the first time in cinemas, the first showcase of eastern martial arts and the versatile actor that was early Seagal: a baddass but caring and a friend to all of the good guys, who runs fast, assisted by a devoted weepy wife and team who pull through.

There’s no need to say anything more [in a review about a film] as the film speaks for itself.

Thankfully, next on our Seagal Shortlist for SeagalDay [70] is the undeniable and unadulterated classic, Hard to Kill. Take that to the bank!

Seagal is Mason Storm, creeping and snooping around an alley with his very sensitive shotgun mic. “And you can take that to the bank!” The mic bugs out, the mobsters notice the disturbance and Seagal is off running: coming straight from a very poor modern Seagal, The Foreigner, fit and fighty Seagal running is a welcome relief.

Storm is in the right place at the right time and intervenes when the robbers kill the shopkeeper with whom he was conversing. Storm gracefully deflects all of their attacks and taunts the last remaining lowlife before breaking his leg whilst at a disadvantage, kneeling.

Mason returns home to his wife, Felicia Storm (Bonnie Burroughs), and child, Sonny Storm (Zachary Rosencrantz), but a hit squad of corrupt police officers shoot him and his wife. The child evades capture. Two of the corrupt officers turn out to be Detective Jack Axel (Charles Boswe) and Detective Max Quentero (Branscombe Richmond). Storm is officially declared dead, but doctors quickly realise that he is in a coma: friend, Lieutenant Kevin O’Malley (Frederick Coffin), advises the doctors to keep this a secret.

Mobster from the opening scene, Vernon Trent (William Sadler), becomes senator, “you can take that to the bank.”

Sexist nurse, Andrea “Andy” Stewart (Kelly LeBrock): judging Manson by the proportions of his intromittent organ. Truly great acting as Seagal wakes up from his coma.

The receptionist doesn’t even look at the doctor’s ID, as he has a stethoscope, and blindly gives the dirty cop ‘doctor’ Storm’s room number, but Mason is already gone.

What a miraculous recovery, Mason: one physical therapy after a seven-year coma, and you have complete control of your arms again. And what a coincidence that Andy’s home just so happens to be a Japanese chateau safe house. Everyone is searching for Storm now.

Seagal just starts writing a list of herbs he needs in Chinese marker-pen calligraphy, as you do. He learnt Chinese when he “was a young white boy over there.”

Recovery montage: he’s reading a Japanese book, putting up angry news clippings, sporting a sweaty angry face, weight lifting, acupuncture, setting fire to things on the end of the latter needles so that he is engulfed in smoke, memories of his son.

Second recovery montage: heavier weight lifting, faster punches and a longer nerdy running to the top of a mountain. Graceful stick waving and then crazy arm chopping.

Sexy music, “I thought you might want a flower,” Kelly’s ass-grabbing, fire burning: this is giving me Seagal and Kelly’s erotic wine adventure flashbacks.

Seagal is feeling guilty about this, so he’s just straight up and left, and now Andy is in danger and Martha, Andy’s co-worker, is already dead. Kevin O’Malley has shown up, and now Seagal and him are reconnecting: the woman Andy gave her number to was Malley’s mother, so he was able to trace Seagal. Good thing that Storm’s son (Sonny) is ok: I guess Storm assumed that he was dead. Malley’s mum isn’t alive anymore.

Malley “studied the tape a thousand times… looking for any quirks” but didn’t notice that the senator repeats the same line, “and you can take that to the bank,” after every promise he makes. “I’m going to take you to the bank, Senator Trent: to the blood bank.”

Some proper arm breaks and brilliant slo-mo throws. Seagal has got a Jeep now and sent a crony flying. Worst line ever from Kelly: “Oh, I forgot to lock the door.”

Malley returns home to pick up Sonny but is followed by more dirty cops. Mall brawls: lots of defenestration. Malley is pretty tough; it takes four gunshots to take him down.

Lots of flappy-arm Seagal running and wrist-breaking. When Seagal catches up with his son after seven years, all he gets is a pat on the head. Seagal: “Take care of my son, I have something [more important] I need to do.”

Sonny: “Dad!”

Seagal: “You’ll be safe with her.”

Sonny: (to Kelly) “Who are you?”

Seagal finally finds the corrupt cop who killed his wife, “that’s for my wife; fuck you and die!” Captain Dan Hulland (Andrew Bloch) is gone: now all that’s left for Seagal to deal with is Trent. Trent has a terrible painting of himself above the fireplace.

Trent is arrested, the video of his underhand dealings is released to the public, and all is good: quite a lot of trauma for the kid, but there’s really no way around that in a Seagal.

Rating: 9/10

This video of Seagal and Kelly’s awkward, erotic wine adventure is one of those rare things that put a smile on your face every single time. Priceless moments such as Seagal looking as if he was having an existential crisis and, when Kelly kisses him, leaning away disgusted, Kelly mumbling even quieter than Seagal and the delivery of “You’ve done well.”

Kelly LeBrock: Well, if you need your bottles opened, you know who to call?

Seagal: Maybe I’ll whistle.

Kelly LeBrock: You do know how to whistle don’t you?

Seagal: MmmmHmmmmmmmm.

Out for Justice now: hopefully, this should cleanse our Seagal palate. Random white quote on the screen and then straight into the streets of Brooklyn. Don’t let it go, Gino [from Nico] (Seagal)! Let your moral compass guide you. That pimp is dirty. Good use of the pimp’s tie! Great freeze-frame as he gets chucked through the window: Seagal is out for justice!

Trigger-happy, drug-addicted, mafioso, Richie kills Seagal’s partner, Bobby, in front of Bobby’s wife, Laurie Lupo (Shareen Mitchell), and two children. Seagal has taken the weekend off to be with his son, Tony, but he’s too committed to the job: his ex-wife, Vicky Felino (Jo Champa), has to cover for him.

Seagal is a true vigilante. Pattie: “Aren’t you too close?” Other police officer: “Kill that son-of-a-bitch!” Seagal is in deep with the Italians and speaks Italian as well.

A freeloader throws a dog in a black bin bag out of the car. Seagal saves the dog (dog acquired), showing that Seagal is an animal lover and has a soft spot. Then ‘No Sleep Till Brooklyn’ starts playing: perfection. Seagal’s laugh after a sex worker shouts, “you wanna fuck?”, is priceless.

Every shop owner: “Please don’t blow up my shop.” Thin Seagal’s power stances are far superior to Fat Seagal’s ‘Ready’ Hands.

Seagal: “This dog food?”

Shop assistant: “(points at dog food) This is dog food, (points at more dog food) this is dog food. You want some of this?”

Seagal: “None from Jersey? I don’t want any of that radioactive stuff.”

He has grown up on the streets. He knows the streets. He is the streets.

Seagal goes over to Richie’s parent’s house, and they beg him to not kill Richie. Seagal is friends with everyone, even Richie’s parents, so he tells them that the only way to stop him from killing Richie is for Richie to turn himself in.

In the bar, Seagal’s moves are very slick: pushing someone into a phone box twice, kicking the stool out from beneath someone at the bar, snooker ball in a table cloth weapon and real double-handed pool stick fighting.

Seagal and his team are shaking down the town to find Richie: first the bar, then fortuitous booty dancing in a strip club and then Richie’s sister’s, Pattie Madano’s (Julianna Margulies), club.

Mob boss, Don Vittorio (Ronald Maccone), is doing a furious breaststroke to keep his hair dry. Poor dog, being left in Gino’s car in the middle of the road.

We love Gino’s heartwarming backstory. Tony needs Gino, but Seagal’s too committed to the job and winning Vicky’s affection. Richie’s goons infiltrate the house: the first several are shot, one slips up by saying “you’re dead” to Seagal instead of just shooting him, and the last one is decommissioned via classic defenestration!

Gino talks to Terry Malloy (Shannon Whirry), who slipped him a note earlier, and she informs him that Richie’s girlfriend, Roxanne Ford (Julie Strain), is the woman in the pornographic photograph in Bobby’s draw: rationalising why Richie recently killed Roxanne 24 hours ago and then Bobby afterwards.

Seagal talks to Laurie (Bobby’s wife) and finds out that she knew about Bobby sleeping with Roxanne (and Terry) but chose to cover it up. A local informant tips Seagal off that Richie is spending his last night in Brooklyn with an ex-prostitute who sleeps with Richie to protect her daughter. Some good comedy moments: Seagal shoots off a crony’s leg, who very audibly complains about the latter for almost a minute in the background. Richie finally dies at Seagal’s hand by an impaled wine opener.

The film ends with Seagal beating up the guy who threw the black sack with the puppy and the puppy micturating in his mouth. Montage credits of Seagal running and beating people up; a true classic!

Rating: 9.5/10

Budget: $55,000,000

Box office: $122,969,216

Tagline: Fasten your seat belts [Spoiler: Seagal didn’t even make it onto the plane!]

The opening 90’s digital titles and continually ‘enhanced’ map looked very budget-draining. It was a joy to see Seagal, in both the opening and throughout, happily running and strutting confidently around in wide shots with no assistance. Seagal is fit and moody and talks relatively normal, with more whispering than mumbling. (To Seagal) “Colonel, I know you wrote the book on assaulting hijacked aircraft… it’s your call.” Lots of fancy vector computer graphics. The plane looks more cardboard than cutout Seagal [NB: It is a real, modified, Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk], with more military plane cutouts joining the party.

Seagal is also a firm leader in this, with his word being final, “why do I need to go… I’m just an engineer?” “Move your fat ass!” The ‘very precise science’ is just waiting for the light to turn green. Seagal didn’t make it onto the plane so that’s his cameo [NB: Seagal was nominated for ‘Worst Supporting Actor’.]

According to John Leguizamo, Seagal didn’t want to film his death scene because he had never died in a film before, so he locked himself in a trailer and refused to come out.

Some IMDb Trivia: At the end of the movie, the final end title reads “Critical Decision”, not “Executive Decision”, Steven Seagal isn’t named in the opening credits (rumour has it that Kurt Russell refused to work with Steven Seagal for this reason, hence Seagal’s early death scene as he was dropped from production, and so is not listed in the opening credits) and the film was originally developed at Paramount Pictures but the studio put the project in turnaround and sold it to Warner Bros. in exchange for the rights and screenplay to Forrest Gump (1994). Executive Decision was considered a hot project, while Forrest Gump was going through multiple problems with the script and casting. In addition, some Warner executives were afraid that the success of Rain Man (1988) would preempt Gump, due to the perceived similarities of the projects’ subject material (both involved lead characters with mental disabilities). Seagal also carries the same knife he used in Under Siege.

Age Rating: In Singapore, it’s rated R21 (on Netflix), banned in Malaysia and a U in the Czech Republic and India.

Conclusion: [Redacted] rates it at 6.5/10. I say 7/10, adjusting for the lack of Seagal.

Based on a book called ‘The Last Canadian’ and [Redacted] says it’s pretty much just Little House on the Prairie so far!
Midway through Seagal pushes lots of people into things: for example, a door – which instantly crumbles. Halfway through, [Redacted] says it turns into Outbreak.
Seagal does some graphic design on a modern computer.
Lots of continuity errors. The daughter was going to saddle the horses and so picked up the first saddle. They were then distracted by a sound and put it down. Seagal found her and the horses were all saddled. Also many plot holes like when did Seagal have access to this particular military scientific facility in the past?
A bit of reused footage from ages ago.
A shot at the end of the military collecting the wrong flowers (the antidote). They then proceed to spray them out of the back of a helicopter and shout through a megaphone to boil them and drink that. What’s the dosage? No. Is too much harmful? No. The ground’s pretty dirty, are you sure these are still ok? No. How long do you need to take this as you said you’ve been taking it all this time? No. What’s concentration? No. Ok, what’s the active ingredient? No.
Cowboy Seagal gets a 3/10 from me. [Redacted] says 3 as well.

There’s really not too much to say for this one. It’s in Seagal’s rap phase. [To Seagal] ‘You’re Russian?’ Partner thrown across the room and just gets up.

[Redacted] rates it a 2, I concur: dispute it actually having some budget. I’m grateful that I, in fact, did not watch it before.

Seagal’s first DTV film. Warsaw, Poland. The film sets off with a very tense atmosphere, with music to match. Produced by Seagal as well as what any sane person would call a ‘normal’ number of producers this time around.

In France, we see a shot of whom I can only assume to be a polish sex worker pulling up her fishnets, and then Jonathan ‘Jon’ Cold (Seagal) watching from a chair, smoking. Cut back to her legs, the same shot, as Seagal picks up the phone. Seagal gets another call from his brother, Sean Cold (Jeffrey Pierce).

No plot so far, only complimenting Seagal. Seagal is tasked by Alexander Marquet (Philip Dunbar) with taking a mysterious package from two Russians in France to a wealthy man in Germany. He rides with Dunoir (Max Ryan), but, when they get the package, they are ambushed by Danish assassins who set fire to the farmhouse.

German catwalk strip club: this is a new direction for Seagal. Fancy camera zoom into a handwritten note: ‘Dunoir knows the assailant.’

Seagal attends his father’s, Jackson Cole’s (?), memorial service in Warsaw and converses with his brother, Sean Cold (Jeffrey Pierce), promising that he will call him once his plane to Germany has touched down. Jon attempts to call his brother from the German hotel, Hotel Polski, but he realises that the line is compromised.

Dunoir kills one of Alexander’s maids for some reason. Dunoir slips up and must kill Alexander.

Seagal reads about a notable industrialist whose profile matches the photos he stole, Jerome Van Aken (Harry Van Gorkum), who is the intended recipient of the parcel. Dunoir kills an old man, so he is definitely bad.

Meredith Van Aken (Anna-Louise Plowman) collects the parcel for Jerome from a proxy, whom she pays, but the package is counterfeit and so an assassin shows up at Seagal’s hotel room and speaks with much verbose. “And when the brain dies, then what’s the point.” Seagal gives up the location of the ‘real’ package.

A very strange scene ensues where the assassin (‘Richard’) tells Seagal to micturate ‘easy’ before loosing concentration opening the parcel which turns out to be a bomb which explodes, allowing Seagal to defenestrate himself.

Dunoir shoots the receptionist and enters Jon’s room, but another assassin, Mr[.] Mimms (Sherman Augustus), is already there, who defenestrates Dunoir by gunfire. Jon switches cars, and Mimms shoots the person in Jon’s car: who dies in a very dramatic way but not quite enough to be able to fall through the well-placed window. Side note, Mimmsy is going to be in Stranger Things Season 4.

Jon opens the real package at an abandoned building and finds news clippings about a plane crash: it’s a black box flight recorder. The plane crash was no accident.

Dunoir didn’t die, but is badly injured. Sean enters a car with Jerome Van Aken and they speak about Dunoir. Sean is a good boy as he calls Jon for Jerome.

Mimms and Jon meet up. Does Mimms look like Ray Charles or is Seagal racist? Mimms is still trying to kill Seagal.

Finally, some Seagal action, and with some Mario Xavier music. Seagal can’t keep doing this: making mind-numbingly boring films and then trying to redeem it at the end with some slappy hands.

Seagal just threw a disk at Mimms and it explodes: launching him out of a glassless window. Dunoir has shown up, but Seagal has alerted the CIA to their location with a tracking beacon watch.

Meredith shows up, and suddenly she and Seagal are in cahoots: planning their escape from plane-downing and bio-chemical weapon something Jerome.

The last half an hour does not contribute anything to the plot: for example, what does still-not-dead Dunoir blowing up the abandoned building add to the plot? Overdubbed Seagal? Hopefully, it is just this one line.

Seagal finally comes clean to his brother about his vocation and shoots dirty CIA spy Jared Olyphant (Gary Raymond).

Seagal is annoyed about Dunoir killing Marquee but reluctantly agrees to cooperate to kill Jerome; “It’s a long shot, but you’re the expert [Seagal].” Twenty minutes left? Ridiculous.

Dunoir tries to surreptitiously shoot Seagal, but Seagal has stolen all of the bullets and so finally has justification to kill him. Jerome holds that Meredith is delusional and infects everyone around her. He requests that Jon returns his daughter and deals with Meredith as he sees fit. Who is Stephan Stockwell: just the plane guy? Dunoir isn’t dead, again, and, as his services are no longer required, kills Jerome.

Assassins bind Meredith and daughter, Seagal frees Meredith and daughter, Seagal kills the assassins: standard.

They’re in an apartment in Paris and Meredith accuses Seagal of not being a ‘wine kind of guy’. This is torturously dull. Meredith and her daughter are getting cabin fever, so they go out for a walk. A stranger comes over to her daughter, and she panics, so Seagal has to sort it out. Instead of returning to the apartment, Seagal loses them and punches a café window in a fit of rage. A fully (bad) slo-mo fight ensues between Seagal and Dunoir: hopefully, Dunoir is dead for good this time.

Seagal sits on the hull of a fishing boat, reading a letter from Meredith: she forced Jerome to relinquish control over their daughter using the black box and that’s a major plot inconsistency right there because Jerome is already dead.

As Seagal’s attempt at a slow-paced, serious, gritty, film this clearly falls far short of the mark. It’s extremely boring, and I believe my review reflects that. I can’t believe that we paid real money for it. What has the 16.7 million dollar budget gone towards?

Rating: 1.5/10

There’s so much of Seagal’s Japanese ‘culture’ in this one, It may have to be my personal favourite Seagal. The only famous line from the film is in unsubtitled Japanese (as is almost every second line Seagal says unless you got the Region 2 DVD), “I couldn’t sleep well knowing that I hadn’t chopped off your balls yet.”

Here we go, 19:00 hours, and we are off: the first of seven films we are forcing ourselves to watch over 27 hours (including pre-Seagal Day and Seagal Day) for SeagalDay [70] – the 2022 celebration of Steven Seagal. 4.0 on IMDb and four and a half stars on Prime. Titles begin with a fancy ‘Signature’ opening, simple ‘Millennium Films’ and then a pan around an atrocious 3D model Buddha with lots of motion Blur and stock pan flute: ‘Luminosity Films’. I do not know what is so funny about the latter: you have to see it – and then once more. Simple white sans-serif font on a black screen. Freeze-frame and fade to black. Very prolonged close-up official-looking men shots, cutting after each line with no real acting: “I need the best,” “I will give the best,” “Crooger and [Kirk/Kirt]”. Luke Goss? Bad 80s artist. What is he doing in it? He plays John Dresham, CIA dirty deeds man, not to be confused with John-John, Johnny Boy: John Seeger (Steven Seagal).

No CCTV outside the French ambassador’s house? Sneak right in! No money for a tripod? Keep the camera moving. Good guard dog: no reaction to a paramilitary kidnapping it’s master. “With your permission, I’d like to cross the line with the mercenaries and, yes, I understand what that means” from one of the several partially-dressed interviewers. Very bitchy, Maxine Barnol.

Finally, we see Seagal again: I was afraid that this would be another 5-minutes-of-fame-for-Seagal job whilst everyone else does the real work. First defenestration at 13 minutes into the film. First line from a very cool-looking Seagal, shooting around corners and pulling his concentrating/constipated face.

No more real ‘acting’ from the official-looking men. Lots of gunfire: not much acting. Semi-protagonist token black guy, Radio Jones (Zaa Nkweta), has already died. Everyone is dying: the ambassador’s whole family just died – there’s their leverage gone!

Seagal is being the hero, as per usual, and his team covers him by dying as Seagal saves one troop.

Tensions are high between 00s bleached-blond Crooger vs Johnny Boy (Seagal). Fat Seagal just barely managed to get onto the ascending helicopter, leaving the press woman behind: “she’ll [Maxine] come through [in a warzone], she always does.”

Weird scene transition. Blues music fades in to lighten the atmosphere. Eddy, son of recently deceased Jones, opens the door to Seagal: who comforts Jones’ wife, Shondra (Faye Peters), and promises to give him a ‘full military’ burial. Stunt double does a small hop. Two shots are all that John requires: a clean kill. Wide-eyed creepy businessperson, Anthony Chapel (Roger Guenveur Smith), is back and whispers with a vengeance. Theatrical arms dealer for the middle-east, Ahmet Dasan (Peter Butler), will put a bullet on your head if you get too greedy (not so wide-eyed now) or forget to rescue my son, Kamal Dasan. Luke (Goss), arms-dealer guy and Chapel are all in on the warfare corruption.

Seagal’s diplomatic suit is a thing of beauty, paired with the slap bass. Seagal is drunkenly-mumbling through the plan. “It’s all internet now… money is now all-digital… no physical copies and auto-encrypt on a 256-bit key [you would hope it has AES!]” I get trying to frame Seeger (Seagal) but isn’t it a bit of a stretch, even for Maxine?

Seagal doesn’t get a break as pianist Chapel has kidnapped Shondra and Eddy. “That’s it for you [Seagal], poop-hole,” what a strange line. Funny time with friend, Bulldog (Adrian Galle) = double bass music.

Flunkies, Crooger and Kirk/Kirt, go to rescue Kamal from prison but – yes! – the computer guy, Samuel Kay (Michael K. Williams), stitches them up!

John and John get into a conversation as Seagal John realises that Dresham John double-crossed him (Seagal John): confusing isn’t it? Seeger(al) leads Dresham in circles so that he and Maxine can access Ahmet’s vault to force the Greek government to arrest Ahmet. Seagal is the leader of the ‘mercenaries [for Justice]’. Not much has changed with respect to Chapel: he is still binch to Seeger, as he has Shondra and Eddy, and lies to Seagal: but Chapel is now under heat from Ahmet because his son wasn’t at the prison where Kay double-crossed Crooger and Kirk/Kirt.

Funny double-bass fades back in as funny-man Bulldog appears, dressed as a police officer, to escort them out undetected. They pick up Kay, and the team is back together: ready to fight Chapel.

The lighthouse is quite a random location but interesting. Bulldog got shot, but he’s not down! Damn, we love Bulldog. A comical, sped-up, shot of one of the goons on the top of the lighthouse has a funny whizzing sound. One-liner: “bad parking”.

Coming at Seagal with a knife: that is only going to end up badly: lots of trauma for Little Eddy. We’re loving the widow’s peak, ‘V’, hairline.

It’s worth it for the end montage of the ‘full military honours’: cross-dissolves of the 30-seconds of screen time Radio Jones got. We love you, Radio.

Rating: 5.5/10

Great, Attack Force, two words that mean very similar things put together: we’re in for a treat! Happy Valentine’s Day, Seagal! The titles are very abstract and blurry: oh no, it’s a strip club in soft focus. Lots of producers, all with dodgy sounding names: except for Seagal’s of course. He’s co-written the screenplay.

Low FPS car: a brilliant opening shot. Fat Seagal comes in hot! Good helicopter budget. Where’s Seagal gone, it’s that his one contractual scene so that he can F off and leave the deuteragonist to clean up his mess? Lots of speed ramping, but Knife Hand is no match for Wavy Hands (Seagal!) Nice ponytail, and- is Seagal dubbed?! What is this atrocious voice?! Bad dubbing. The timing is quite accurate, but what is that voice?

*Pause. Googling* So apparently half of Seagal’s dialogue was changed, due to continuity problems arising from two disparate plot lines (the eventually rejected one involving vampire space aliens as opposed to European mobsters), so they needed to dub it: Seagal wasn’t free, so I assume that they just pulled any random man off the street and into the booth. We may be able to understand his ‘dialogue’ for once. Seagal’s voice is back for the moment, however, mumbly as ever. Calling everyone ‘children’ is well within normal limits for Seagal but missing out on a titty bar? What is going on?

The ‘children’ making “Woo hoo’s” peak the audio: these chads are going to be killed by knife dude in five minutes, and Seagal will feel morally obliged to avenge these horrible brats. (AN: I was correct.) Seagal isn’t playing the guitar in the blues bar, but he is playing that woman like Dio plays Madam Lisa Lisa; at least his voice is back. Bad acting all around from these ‘children’.

“Open the door”- what, the lady is a knife killer as well? “Zees are my bodies!” says the faux-French detective. Back at the strip club because, of course, we need to retrace the children’s steps: use of artifice on Segaal’s behalf to not seem so creepy.

2006 must be a sweet spot: he is fat and has the ponytail. Like capo, like sex worker: knife pimp, knife girls. (After inspecting the body of the children) “Just as you figured[, Chief Coroner Seagal.]” Suspicious breathing from the children and deep philosophical whisperings from Seagal.

Revenge is a two-way street. Partner: (makes a suggestion) Seagal: “Yeah, could be. I already thought of that.” Tia: “Majestic Headquarters”, cut directly to headquarters. “Zees boys”, “she add”, “well zeen”… more poor French accent cannot match Knife Hand’s British accent. Sad face Seagal with sad dubbing. Growly high-pitched dubbing, “let me ask you something”, and then more growling in the parallel editing.

“May I ask why”, “you don’t even need to ask why”: gaslighting. Thank you very intellectual British knifer for explaining the plot, being injected with the CTX he just explained would make one go ape-shit and then promptly going ape-shit and killing the singular garrison. Revenge IS a two-way street, after all.

A stock lightning fulmination sound effect peals and reveals an amorously infatuated couple (now single): teleporting and knifing about. Seagal is doing great, popping up occasionally and speedily whispering through lines in a monotone. I love imaging Seagal screenwriting the consistently ineffectual drivel of the baddies.

Now, it is Seagal and Tia: so at least Tia will be protected by Seagal’s plot armour. They really are showing off those fake walls and beams: they’re flying everywhere! “Nano-graphite”, “assimilate”, 3D wireframes of Seagal’s hands: Seagal has all the tools so he can whisper encouragement to all of his dead-meat redshirts.

Switching voices several times mid-torture is brave editing. Hurried whispering meets growly whispering with a whole host of sporting bad accents. Seagal is now cut off from everyone: come on Attack Force, where are you?
Ok, so here comes the A-Team. Seagal: “I’m flattered that you recognised my voice.” Which one?

Breath Seagal: take the lines one at a time. More corpsing. I don’t know how they expect us to follow the plot when Seagal’s voice is like Russian roulette! Shoddy work from the A-Team. The SWAT team, or whoever else has shown up to the party, scans the area by spinning around whilst moving forward. It is proper creepypasta when people get CTX’d.

Tia, no! You were the only one whose name I bothered to learn. The flash of white light every time someone is knifed is becoming very annoying. Also, why isn’t anyone sticking like glue to Seagal: don’t they know how much plot armour he has? He has only ever been killed twice.

There it is again, “revenge is a two-way street.” What was that sound effect?! The way Seagal pierces his lips in intense concentration when doing the slo-mo double chin Slappy Hands is ridiculous. He is a ridiculous man. I wonder how he watches any of his films and thinks to himself, “this is acceptable.”

IMDb Trivia: Steven Seagal retroactively dedicated his performance in this film to the puppy he accidentally ran over in Arizona.

Budget: $4,000,000

Gross worldwide: $53,564

Critical rating: 1.5/10 – BARELY WATCHABLE –  David Nusair of Reel Film Reviews: “even the most ardent Seagal fan would be hard-pressed to sit through this monstrosity of a production in just one sitting.”

[External Review]
[Redacted] and I have just watched Machete, words absolutely fail me to be honest! Seagal is in it for 5 mins at the beginning, then pops up on screens to threaten people [in Spanish] and then comes back at the end for a Machete fight, he manages to have a machete put through him and still stands talking as if that happens everyday, I have been crying with laughter. The film is so bad in so many ways and Robert de Niro is in it….!?!

If you didn’t already know or were as confused as I was up until five minutes ago, True Justice is a two-season American television action series created by Steven Seagal, soon after released as a series of DVD (and some Blu-ray) “movies”, with each disc editing together two episodes [thank you Wikipedia.] Dark Vengence (Season One, episodes three and four, so ‘Part 2’ of the film series) starts superbly, we get a quote that Vern – author of Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal – missed out on completely: “Huckmunwa.” I have no clue what it means but it’s extremely funny. I have searched far and wide to try and decipher its meaning. Let’s try searching Google, ‘What does “Huckmunwa” mean’: zero search results. Nothing on Google Translate. Shady-looking Chinese black magic websites offered nothing. I asked a translator, who is fluent in 12 languages: nothing. The rest of the film is pretty disappointing when compared with the mystery of Seagal’s one-liner: save the fact that, when one of their agents decides to go undercover (twice) in a strip joint, no one bothers to follow them home or check if they are feeling fine after being spiked. This is after they have been ‘Marked for Death’ by a white carnation flower. ‘How many more people have to die’ indeed: it’s just bad police work.