Attack Force [2006]

Great, Attack Force, two words that mean very similar things put together: we’re in for a treat! Happy Valentine’s Day, Seagal! The titles are very abstract and blurry: oh no, it’s a strip club in soft focus. Lots of producers, all with dodgy sounding names: except for Seagal’s of course. He’s co-written the screenplay.

Low FPS car: a brilliant opening shot. Fat Seagal comes in hot! Good helicopter budget. Where’s Seagal gone, it’s that his one contractual scene so that he can F off and leave the deuteragonist to clean up his mess? Lots of speed ramping, but Knife Hand is no match for Wavy Hands (Seagal!) Nice ponytail, and- is Seagal dubbed?! What is this atrocious voice?! Bad dubbing. The timing is quite accurate, but what is that voice?

*Pause. Googling* So apparently half of Seagal’s dialogue was changed, due to continuity problems arising from two disparate plot lines (the eventually rejected one involving vampire space aliens as opposed to European mobsters), so they needed to dub it: Seagal wasn’t free, so I assume that they just pulled any random man off the street and into the booth. We may be able to understand his ‘dialogue’ for once. Seagal’s voice is back for the moment, however, mumbly as ever. Calling everyone ‘children’ is well within normal limits for Seagal but missing out on a titty bar? What is going on?

The ‘children’ making “Woo hoo’s” peak the audio: these chads are going to be killed by knife dude in five minutes, and Seagal will feel morally obliged to avenge these horrible brats. (AN: I was correct.) Seagal isn’t playing the guitar in the blues bar, but he is playing that woman like Dio plays Madam Lisa Lisa; at least his voice is back. Bad acting all around from these ‘children’.

“Open the door”- what, the lady is a knife killer as well? “Zees are my bodies!” says the faux-French detective. Back at the strip club because, of course, we need to retrace the children’s steps: use of artifice on Segaal’s behalf to not seem so creepy.

2006 must be a sweet spot: he is fat and has the ponytail. Like capo, like sex worker: knife pimp, knife girls. (After inspecting the body of the children) “Just as you figured[, Chief Coroner Seagal.]” Suspicious breathing from the children and deep philosophical whisperings from Seagal.

Revenge is a two-way street. Partner: (makes a suggestion) Seagal: “Yeah, could be. I already thought of that.” Tia: “Majestic Headquarters”, cut directly to headquarters. “Zees boys”, “she add”, “well zeen”… more poor French accent cannot match Knife Hand’s British accent. Sad face Seagal with sad dubbing. Growly high-pitched dubbing, “let me ask you something”, and then more growling in the parallel editing.

“May I ask why”, “you don’t even need to ask why”: gaslighting. Thank you very intellectual British knifer for explaining the plot, being injected with the CTX he just explained would make one go ape-shit and then promptly going ape-shit and killing the singular garrison. Revenge IS a two-way street, after all.

A stock lightning fulmination sound effect peals and reveals an amorously infatuated couple (now single): teleporting and knifing about. Seagal is doing great, popping up occasionally and speedily whispering through lines in a monotone. I love imaging Seagal screenwriting the consistently ineffectual drivel of the baddies.

Now, it is Seagal and Tia: so at least Tia will be protected by Seagal’s plot armour. They really are showing off those fake walls and beams: they’re flying everywhere! “Nano-graphite”, “assimilate”, 3D wireframes of Seagal’s hands: Seagal has all the tools so he can whisper encouragement to all of his dead-meat redshirts.

Switching voices several times mid-torture is brave editing. Hurried whispering meets growly whispering with a whole host of sporting bad accents. Seagal is now cut off from everyone: come on Attack Force, where are you?
Ok, so here comes the A-Team. Seagal: “I’m flattered that you recognised my voice.” Which one?

Breath Seagal: take the lines one at a time. More corpsing. I don’t know how they expect us to follow the plot when Seagal’s voice is like Russian roulette! Shoddy work from the A-Team. The SWAT team, or whoever else has shown up to the party, scans the area by spinning around whilst moving forward. It is proper creepypasta when people get CTX’d.

Tia, no! You were the only one whose name I bothered to learn. The flash of white light every time someone is knifed is becoming very annoying. Also, why isn’t anyone sticking like glue to Seagal: don’t they know how much plot armour he has? He has only ever been killed twice.

There it is again, “revenge is a two-way street.” What was that sound effect?! The way Seagal pierces his lips in intense concentration when doing the slo-mo double chin Slappy Hands is ridiculous. He is a ridiculous man. I wonder how he watches any of his films and thinks to himself, “this is acceptable.”

IMDb Trivia: Steven Seagal retroactively dedicated his performance in this film to the puppy he accidentally ran over in Arizona.

Budget: $4,000,000

Gross worldwide: $53,564

Memorable quote: “Revenge is a two-way street.”

Critical rating: 1.5/10 – BARELY WATCHABLE –  David Nusair of Reel Film Reviews: “even the most ardent Seagal fan would be hard-pressed to sit through this monstrosity of a production in just one sitting.”